devilkin
03-25-2002, 17:39
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat,
bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting
the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your
knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat &
pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or
woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirin & lie down.
------------------------------------------
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth
and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom,
and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
refrigerator. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain
rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of
water to take taste away. Apply
band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open
with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubberband. 11) Get
screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply ice pack to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small shovel. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for
SPCA to pick up cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
------------------
Human Stupidity is no match for Artificial Intelligence.
To Err Is Human, To Moo Bovine.
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat,
bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting
the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your
knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat &
pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or
woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirin & lie down.
------------------------------------------
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth
and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom,
and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and
push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
refrigerator. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged
firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted
by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain
rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of
water to take taste away. Apply
band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water
and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open
with dessert spoon. Shoot pill down throat with rubberband. 11) Get
screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply ice pack to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small shovel. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for
SPCA to pick up cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.
------------------
Human Stupidity is no match for Artificial Intelligence.
To Err Is Human, To Moo Bovine.